Behind the mirror
by Kassandra Luem
Summary: Catherine is in love with Sara, but Sara's dating Gil. What happens when a misunderstanding makes her realise her feelings towards the blonde? Can they overcome their insecurities or will their fears prevail? CS, please r&r!
1. Chapter 1

disclaimer: still don't own anything - poor me!

summary: our ladies are having feelings for each other, that much is clear. but can they overcome their insecurities and misunderstandings and build a relationship?

We'll see...Just r&r!

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**Part One**

You're looking at him, waiting for his reaction to your theorie. It's always so important for you what he thinks. If you valued my opinion only half as much… No, that's leading nowhere. I should stop, I really should. You're becoming my obsession,you know. My goddamn 24h/day, heartbreaking obsession.

Focus, Willows, focus!

It won't do me any good to let my thoughts drift away like that. But damn, I've been doing so many things that aren't exactly good for me since… it's still hard for me to admit it, even to myself, you know…since I developped certain feelings for you. Things like staring at you whenever you walk by, imagining how you body looks without those black blouses you love so much or like studying the movement of your lips rather than listening to what you're actually saying about cases. Like I'm doing now. And see, it isn't doing me any good, because suddenly you're looking at me and I can tell that you're expecting a response. Unfortunately I have no clue what you just said.

This is getting ridiculous, you know. I'm behaving like a fifteen-year-old schoolgirl with a crush. But, back to more pressing matters, somehow I manage to produce a halfway decent answer, at least I think I am, because no one is casting me strange glances.

God, I have to get out of here. It's driving me crazy, sitting opposite of you the whole time, having to look at you all the time, without escape.

Gosh Willows, stop kidding yourself, you don't _want_ to look anywhere else.

But for now, the more rational part of my brain is still in charge, telling me to get away before I do something stupid. And, truth to be told, I want to listen to it very, very much, because you know, it's hard enough this way, without me embarassing myself completely. If only you didn't look this damn cute today. If only you didn't look this damn cute every single bloody day!

Once again you look at him and suddenly I don't have any more problems with lustfull thoughts. The way you look at him and the way he briefly returns your gaze, before getting back to his professional self, believe me, it's speaking volumes. I feel a sharp pain stabbing in my chest and know that I can't possibly stay in here any longer. Having to observe the two of you at such a close proximity is just too much. I murmur an apology and get up, struggling not to simply run as far away as I can. Instead I make my way to the locker room, still feeling the confused glances on my back.

Great, Willows, this will do loads for your reputation!

As if I gave a fuck about my reputation right now! The image of the two of you keeps replaying in front of my inner eye, a cruel reminder of my mind. I slam my hand against the locker. Pain is shooting through my system but I welcome it, because for a brief moment this goddamn image disappears.

God, this is so hard! Seeing you every day, wanting you but still knowing that you're in love with him. With the man who's come to be my friend. I feel like a horrible, selfish bitch for wishing you to break up with him. Just the bitch you see me as, right? Right. I mean, damn, who am I kidding,? Even if the two of you split up, you still wouldn't give me a second glance. To you, I'm just the bitch you unfortunately have to work with. The one who can't stop arguing with you about every single, tiny thing under the sun. You could never see me as anything different from that. Let alone as your lover.

I can feel tears starting to prickle behind my eyes and fight them fiercely. There's no way I'm gonna cry over this mess. Least of all here in public.

,,Cath? You okay?''

Warrick. Thank God. I don't think I could have coped if it had been you. Or Gil, for that matter. Hah, like you ever came searching for me! I shake my head, trying to get rid of that tiny little voice in the back of my head.

,,Yeah, I'm fine. Just needed a moment to myself.''

That's no lie! Well, the first part of the sentence perhaps, but the second one is true. I really needed to be alone for a while. Warrrick is looking at me critically, concern obvious in his eyes. I need to say something, anything that makes him believe me. Because if he asks me any further, I'm sure I'm gonna break under that soft, gentle gaze and tell him everything. And then I'll not only have to deal with all this crap but also with his pity. And I don't think I could do that.

,,Really Warrick. I'm just tired, Lindsey and I have been fighting again.''

Great, now I'm lying to my friend and, even worse, using my daughter as an excuse. Gosh, Willows, you're so fucked up!

But at least he's believing me now. He nods, giving me that sympathetic glance again. Suddenly there's a hand on my shoulder and he says

,,It's alright Cath. You two are gonna be alright. I'm sure she's just going through a difficult phase. You're daughter loves you, that's for sure. Believe me, it's gonna be alright.''

He's so nice to me and I'm lying to him. I'm such a horrible person. No wonder you prefer him. The thought brings fresh tears to my eyes and I lower my head, my shoulders shaking. No, it's not gonna be alright.

,,Oh Cath. Come here.''

With these words, Warrick pulls me into a tight embrace. As I feel strong, gentle arms closing around me I can't help but let it go. His sympathetic attitude and unwavering support make me finally give in to the desperation I feel. I cling to him, burying my head on his shoulder while the tears are flowing freely down my cheeks. He just holds me, softly stroking my back, while I shake with sobs.

After what feels like an eternity the tears finally stop. And I realize that there's a huge wet spot on Warrick's shirt where my head has been. A bit embarassed I raise my gaze and point to the spot with an apologetic smile.

,,Sorry about that. And- thank you. I guess I needed that.''

He smiles back at me.

,,Hey, you're welcome. And don't worry. I've got a spare set of clothes in the locker, so it's no harm done. And anyway, that's what friends are for. So feel free to ruin my shirt anytime you like.''

I laugh inspite of my bad consciousness that I'm lying to him. Stepping out of his embrace I turn a bit. The laughter dies in my throat as I see you standing in the door.

Our eyes meet and I'm shocked to see hurt in them. But then anger crosses your face so quickly that I start to think it was only my imagination playing tricks on me. Suddenly I feel embarassed. I must look terrible. A blush is rising in my cheeks. You shouldn't see me like this. I lower my gaze, staring at the floor. Only your snort makes me raise my head in surprise.

,,Couldn't wait until you got home, could you? Just get a hotel room, alright!''

With that you are gone. I don't know what just happened. You can't possibly think that Warrick and I are…, can you? Surely not. But your words made that quite clear. Gosh, what a mess this is! This day is just getting worse by the second.

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**A/N**: Alright, that's it for now. What do you think? Please tell me if I should continue, because I'm not quite sure this story's worth it. 

Cheers, Kassandra


	2. Chapter 2

Hey guys!

Thank you all for your kind words and sorry for the delay. First I've been on holiday and when I finally got back my pc just decided not to work with me.. But anyway, now it's done and here comes the second part of the story. This time it's from Sara's p.o.v.

Well, enjoy!

Cheers, Kassandra

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**Behind the mirror - Part Two**

Gosh, I can't believe it. You and Warrick. Well, actually this shouldn't come as such a surprise. You've been flirting with him for ages. Damn, I knew that it was hopeless falling for you. But I've got Gil now. And I'm happy with him, right? But then, what was it twisting my stomach into knots, the moment I saw you with Warrick? It shouldn't feel this way.Ì shouldn't feel this way.

Damn you, Sidle. You've got Gil. You're happy with him. You're over her. Got it?

Right. But still… The image in the locker room appears in my mind. Your embarassed expression, Warrick's shocked, confused look. There's no mistaking the situation. I can't believe I really thought there was something in your eyes during the meeting with Gil. Must have been wishful thinking. Wishful thinking? Better not. I don't want you any more. I'm in love with Gil. That's how it is. How it's supposed to be.

,,Sara?''

Oh damn. Not now.

,,Yeah?''

,,You free later?''

Bad timing, Gil. In thruth, worst timing ever. Right now I really need some time alone to push my unwelcome thoughts back into the deep hole they belong in. I just can't be with you now, acting as if nothing happened.

,,Sorry Gil, but actually I plan on staying in here for a while. I finally have to get the paperwork on the Walker case done.''

I'm wondering if the blatant lie will make my nose grow. My desk is as empty of files as Ecklie is of humor. I've already finished my reports yesterday. Now they're waiting patiently on Gil's desk. Thank God that shift's over in half an hour and he's still busy with another case so that he won't notice that I've been lying to him.

Why am I lying anyway? I mean, I'm lying to him because of you, right? That's closer to betrayal than I ever wanted to be. And that you're the reason for it… It's almost like there really was something between us. Great, now I'm there again. Just a minute ago you were making out with Warrick right in front of my eyes, for God's sake! It couldn't be clearer that you don't want me. Which is no problem at all, because I don't want you either.

,, Sara? Sara, hey!''

Suddenly there's a hand waving in front of my eyes.

What? Oh fuck.

,,Sorry Gil, I kinda spaced out.'' Great, no he's going to give me the whole interrogation – thing for not listening to him. And right, there's that frown on his forehead, he gets when he's trying to figure something out. And there's that bewildered, slightly concerned expression in his eyes.

Oh fuck.

,,Sara, is everything alright?'' Yeah, here we go.

,,Sure. I'm just tired.'' Please, buy it!

,,Alright…'' I can see he's not convinced, but letting it go. Thank God. ,,How about dinner tomorrow then?''

Gosh, that man can be persistent! I decide to agree, before he becomes even more suspicous.

What the hell, Sara! You're going out with the man you love, where's all that reluctance coming from? I thought you loved spending time with him outside the lab!

I do! It's just that, well… I can't get the image in the locker room out of my mind. Why did you have to make out with him during worktime and in a place as public as the locker room, for God's sake! And why were you making out with him and not with me?

Whoa, stop! Where did that come from?

I stop dead in my tracks on the way to the filing room. I thought I needed some coffeine after all of this, but now I realize that I really don't need anything that will make my heart beat even faster than it already does. Ever heard of someone my age dying from a heart attack? Well, I sure as hell feel close to it. I feel like someone just threw me into a labyrinth in which every road only leads back to the point I came from.

,,Sara?'' The voice is no more than a whisper, which is strange for you, really. But for the effect it has on me you could as well have been shouting in my ear with a megaphone. My heart is beating faster than I thought humanly possible.

And suddenly the fury is back. Good, old fury that has already saved the day more times than I can count when it comes to you. When I turn around, my eyes are blazing with cold, hard rage.

,,What do you want?''

You look as if you've just been slapped. For a moment I think I see hurt in your eyes. The sight is making my heart ache. But as soon as it appeared, the expression is gone and your eyes are a carefully guided blue fortress I have no access to. That's something new to me. I'm used to eyes looking at me in fury, in exasperation and – in rare and joyfull moments – in understanding and pride, when we figured something out together. But not this, never this cold, expressionsless mirror that deflects every attempt of searching for the emotions beneath.

,,What? Cat got your tongue? Or was he litterally so mind–blowing that you lost your voice?''

I know I'm cruel. But I can't help it, I need to see you reacting to me. I can't stand it when you shut me out like you're doing. And my words have the desired effect. The gates of the fortress open, but the shooting daggers of rage that now fly into my direction are almost enough to make me want to take a step back. When you speak, your voice is cold and hard, and I'm sure that the slight tremble in it comes from the effort to suppress your urge to smack me right in the face.

,,Neither nor. Just in case you forgot, that's my office in front of you. And unlike you I don't plan on sleeping with my boss to get special treatment which means I have to do my work like everybody else in here. And now excuse me, I got work to do''

You turn to open the door. Oh no, you're so not going to get away with this!

How dare you imply that I'm only using Gil! How the hell dare you! After all that happened today, that's sort of hitting a sensitve spot with me. Guilt is flooding my stomach. And I know that you're right, that on some level I have been using Gil. But my guilt is quickly replaced by anger. Cold, hard anger. You have no right to reprimand my for my behaviour towards Gil. With a scowl I say:

,,Special treatment? Oh look who's speaking! Always projecting your own behaviour onto others, aren't you? Only because you sold yourself to men doesn't mean everyone else is doing it. Well, once a whore…I guess you can never really get rid of your past, can you, Cath?''

That was a cheap shot. And the moment I see you going rigid I realize I've gone too far. Your knuckles on the handle are turning white from the death grip you have on it. Your whole posture makes you look like an ice statue. One little blow and you will shatter into a million pieces. You don't turn around, but your voice is flat and empty when you reply.

,,No, Sara, you can't. But if you can't see there's more to people than their past than I don't think you're only halfway as intelligent as everybody thinks you are.''

With those words you disappear behind the door and I'm left with the awful realization that I made you cry. At moments like these, I can't stand myself. I didn't mean a single word I said and yet I spoke them. I've never respected anyone more than I respect you and I wouldn't want you to be any different. Your past is what made you the person you are today. The person I fell in love with.

As the realization hits home, I suddenly know that deep down, I've loved you all along.

And now, you're behind that door, crying because of me and I just want to hit myself for my stupidity. All I want is to go in there and apologize, to make it all better somehow. But you don't need me for that, I think bitterly. You've got Warrick. And after this conversation I'd be the last person you let close to you, anyway.

God, I need a drink.

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A/N: Alright, what do you think? Love it, hate it...? Well, just let me now! You remember, that cute little button down there... 


	3. Chapter 3

Alright guys, well, what can I say...

First I think I really have to apologize to everyone for having kept you waiting for so long! This chapter was a real bitch to write and I just wanted to say thanks and give a big hug to all of you who reviewed and in doing so gave me the motivation to keep trying until I was at least halfway satisfied with this one. You guys are awsome.

So this is for you! Enjoy!

Cheers, Kassandra**

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**Behind the mirror – Part Three**

Who the fuck do you think you are, Sara?

I can't believe you just said that. I know we've never been the best of friends, but what in hell do you think gives you the right to judge me like that? You don't know a shit about me!

Angrily, I pound my fist on the desk. I'm that pissed off that the pain doesn't even register. To hear you calling me a whore…

And it's only now that the meaning of your words fully sinks in. Something wet falls onto my clenched fist and I notice with a start that I'm crying. Suddenly, all strength seems to leave my body and my knees give way. This time I do notice the pain as my back collides with one of the legs of my table. You think I'm a whore. That's all you've ever seen in me, all you could ever see. You could never love me, you hate me.

By now, sobs are wracking my body and my breathing has become shallow. Gosh, I'm close to hysterics, if I'm being honest.

Get a grip, Willows! This is becoming embarassing, you know!

God, I wish I could! But my body seems to have developped a will of its own and I just can't stop my wailing. Great, and so once again I'm hiding, crying because of my feelings for you. Seems to become a pattern, doesn't it? You know that after Eddie, I swore to myself that I'd never let myself be reduced to a crying mess by someone I love again? It's funny, really, because you've already made me break my promise more often than I care to count. Just shows what a pathetic person I am, doesn't it? Great, I'm sure that's yet another thing you can't wait to point out to me, right?

Catherine Willows, will you stop crying this very instant! You knew from the start that she doesn't feel anything for you! So don't tell me you're surprised now!

Sniffling once more, I wipe the tears from my cheeks with a determined gesture and try to get up. I really shoudn't become that worked up over you and your words. There never was a reason to hope you feel the same way, so it's my own fault for allowing those damn feelings for you to survive deep in my heart.

Gosh, I feel like my life has turned into a fucking soap opera lately. But now it's enough. Time to stop this ridiculous performance and get back to the way things were before I stopped thinking about you in other terms than just the girl from work I couldn't get along with. This is so over and done with!

You know what? You don't give a shit about me? Well, I don't, either.

No more of this ridiculous sneaking away and crying my eyes out over you. So what if it hurts like hell to see you worshipping him? So what? You don't care about me, obviously. And one thing I promise you, Sara Sidle, I'm finished with letting myself get hurt by you.

I bet you're laughing yourself silly at me right now. Stupid Catherine Willows, show girl, stripper, whore who you can make cry so easily. Does it feel good to you, Sara? Do you get a kick from it, do you enjoy your power?

Well, tell you what, I'm out of the game. You'll have to find somebody else to play your little power-games on. Go to him and hop right onto his lap, for all I care! This silly crush is so over.

By now I'm standing, straighter than I remember ever doing. I'm Catherine Willows, a strictly professional CSI, no longer the woman who tortured herself thinking she was in love with her female and already taken collegue.

I take a quick glance into the little pocket mirror I always keep in my purse and make an extra effort with my make-up before confidently striding out into the corridor. Like I said, the Catherine Willows making her way to the lab has nothing to do with the woman I've been lately. Oh you won't know what's hit you, honey.

Looking through the glass walls I'm surprised when I don't see you in the lab. You should be in there, going over some evidence. Where the hell are you? I walk on, stopping outside the filing room. I can see you, sitting there on the couch, coffee in the one, a magazine in the other hand. Talk about not doing your work!

A red, hot wave of anger is surging through my veins. Gosh, you're so full of yourself! Reprimanding me for not doing my work and using my looks to get trough with it. Don't tell me you're doing anything different from that, now! My words, actually only spoken in anger, really seem to have hit quite close to reality.

I enter the room and make my way to the coffee machine without even looking at you. You're not worth neither the time nor the breath it would take me to point out your own behaviour to you. The hot wave of fury has given way to a high-pressure shower of ice that has completely frozen my insides in a matter of milliseconds. You really are not worth the time of day to me, Sara.

I can feel your eyes on me but I refuse to acknowledge you. I'm just going to grab my coffee and be gone again. From the corner of my eyes I can't help but notice you shifting uncomfortably on the couch. Feeling guilty that I caught you here, or what? But what does my opinion matter to you, anyway?

Grabbing my mug, I turn around and make my way to the door. When I pass by you, I can't help but notice that your knuckles have turned white from the death-grip you have on the two items you hold in your hands. Don't worry, I won't impose my presence on you for much longer. I'm almost out of the door, then-

,,Catherine?''

Your voice startles me, even though it shouldn't after the way you've been acting since I entered the room. It practically screamed nervousness, you know. You can be so transparent, some times.

,,Yes?''

My voice surprises even myself. It's cold, dripping with contempt and sarcasm. For a moment, I think I can see you flinch.

Stop imagining things, Willows.

,,I… I wanted to…''

Gosh, just spit it out, will you? I'm not really in the mood to stand here and listen to your stutter.

,,Yes?'', I repeat.

I know my tone is more than just a little impatient. But I can't for the life of me imagine what it is that you might want to tell me now. You made it pretty clear what you thought of me earlier so what the hell do you want from me now? If I'm being franc, I don't even wanna know. So just get it over with and let me return to more pressing matters.

,,Well, I'm sorry. For what I said earlier.''

So this is it. Feeling guilty, or what? Or did you run to Gil and he gave you the ,,be a nice girl and apologise''-lecture? Well, you put up quite a good act, I have to give you credit for that. But I don't believe you. Sorry, but this is not gonna work with me. Just play nervous, tell her you're sorry and good old Catherine will fall for you again? No chance in hell, Sara. I'm done with you. Done with your little games, done with caring for you and done with being nice.

,,Forget it.'', I say, the ice in my insides clearly showing in my tone.

Don't bother, Sara, you really can stop this act. You can't lure me into believing you any more. We're done. Not that there ever was anything between us in the first place. And the thing pulling at my heart as I see your expression falling is just my ice-covered anger.

,,Cath?''

My Gosh, give it a rest, will you? Still didn't get the message? And here I was, thinking you were a smart girl…

,,I'm really sorry. I didn't mean it like that.''

Oh come on! Don't give me that shit! Do you wanna know how many times Eddie told me the exact same thing after he beat me like a punching bag? Why should I believe you? It's just empty words. Earlier, you were being honest with me for once and now you're already regretting it? That must have been quite some speech Gil gave you about keeping up a good working atmosphere or something like that…

,,God, just stop it, Sara. I'm not interested, alright? You don't have to bother to pretend you're sorry. And now will you please let me get back to work. I don't want to waste any more of my time today.''

With those words I take the final steps to the door. I really don't want to stay in here any longer. You make me sick, Sara. And to think that only this morning I still believed I was in love with you…

Sometimes I really have a tendency to make my life unnecessarily complicated, don't I?

I'm about to step out when something catches my attention. There's a rapid movement beside me and a fraction of a second later you're storming towards me. What the hell-

I never get to complete my thought because that very moment I see the tears in your eyes as you're pushing past me and running down the corridor, out of my sight.

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A/N: Alright, so what do you think? Disappointed, pleased, or plain and simply bored? Just let me know... 


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